Thursday, October 6, 2011

Fall Splendor

Fall Splendor
The beauty of fall envelops me as I wheel my chair through our quiet neighborhood. Evidences of God’s handiwork, upon everything I see. Splashes of vibrant colors intermixed among the lush greenery.  Sunlit trees ablaze, as once, emerald, forest and sage leaves, now have transformed into ruby, amber, pumpkin and gold. The beauty is breathtaking.
 Overhead there are birds in flight, loudly bantering back and forth, conversing with one another, as they begin their long journey south.  The crisp air and dropping temperatures are indicators that winter is not far off.
 The leaves have begun to drop, as trees prepare to go dormant for the winter. The fallen crinkly, dry, crunchy ones, line the sides of the street, some raked into large piles, others, strewn about.
 Ahead, a gust of wind sends the lone leaves tumbling, somersaulting, cart wheeling, across the charcoal grey bumpy pavement. I feel the chill in the air, as I snuggle deeper into my warm black coat; wrapping my soft pink scarf, closer up around my neck and ears.
  The numerous piles of leaves, lie in wait for small children, lovingly bundled in cozy jackets and brightly colored handmade knit scarves, to jump in and play.  I imagine, one tiny tot, squealing with delight, as he dives in with reckless abandon, tossing a handful of leaves up over his head, up towards a brilliant sapphire sky, then, watching in awe, as the leaves come tumbling down, cascading over his tiny form. Immersed in his own magical world, he repeats the glorious process, over and over, never tiring. Only, until the chill in his bones gets the best of him, does he long for his parents welcoming arms and snug warm house.            
As I continue on down the avenue, the intoxicating aromas of wood fires burning permeate the chilly air, as billowy clouds of smoke plume from the rooftops.  I find myself enchanted with the darling houses in our neighborhood. Each porch, decorated uniquely, with its own personality, giving me just a tiny glimpse, into the world of the family who resides there.
 Fall, my favorite season, brings to mind many happy memories from my childhood. The sights, sounds and smells are evocative of those early years. I remember the massive Gingko tree covered in creamy butter yellow leaves, too plentiful to count. As a child, I loved to scale the huge tree branches, challenging myself to go higher and higher, at every tiered limb. My mother said that our tree was quite the spectacle. People, driving, walking, or bicycling by, would stop to gaze and marvel at its beauty.
 My girlfriends and I made princess bracelets out of  spicy peppermint scented Eucalyptus seeds, and often times we would take walks to the neighboring blocks, spending hours collecting fascinating buckeyes, tinted auburn, chocolate, and tan. To two young girls, they were priceless treasures. As a teenager, my girlfriends and I were broke, so, we became entrepreneurs, starting our own raking service. By the end of that fall, we felt as if we had raked enough leaves, to fill an entire garbage dump site. After that, I had a new appreciation for what my parents faced; raking those thousands of buttery yellow Gingko leaves every fall.
 I remember chilly fall evenings, staying out till dusk, playing hide and seek with the neighborhood kids. I recall the rush of adrenaline felt, as we dashed to find our perfect hiding place, and then, the thrill and excitement, of being the seeker, and finding the hider.   Tirelessly, we would play for what seemed like hours.  Inevitably, the sun would set, street lights would come on, and my brothers and I, would be beckoned homeward, by the familiar sound of the old black bell clunking, signaling us, that it was time to come in for the night.
I shiver as the sun begins to set on the horizon. The sky fills with brilliant colors of rose, periwinkle, marigold, poppy and violet. I feel privileged and blessed to witness such a glorious sunset. God has given me yet another gift, a masterpiece of splendor, signed by Him alone.
As the colors begin to fade away, and the street lights turn on, this time I am beckoned, not by a bell, but by a desire, a yearning, a longing to be with my family. Quickening my pace, I smile, as I anticipate the joyful squeals and loving smiles on my little boys’ faces, each scrambling, competing for the title to be the first one to greet me at the door.
  Almost home, I imagine a roaring fire inside, built and lit lovingly, by my husband’s hands, just waiting to warm my chilly body. A steaming mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows sprinkled on top sounds good to me right about now. As I wheel up our driveway I say a silent prayer, thanking God for the splendor of fall, the beauty of past memories, my adoring family, glorious sunsets and my welcoming home.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

In honor of my Dad, Robert L. Gardner...You will forever be my HERO!!!

Rarely a day goes by that I don't think of him at least once.  Yet, during this time of year, I'm particularly mindful of him, especially as the anniversary date of his death approaches.  I am so thankful for the amazing man he was and for the incredible Godly influence he has been to me and countless others.  Although he's gone from our lives, sadly life has to go on, with gratitude for past memories, yet sorrow, that he will never be a part of future memories yet to be made.
I can't believe it's been nearly six years.  Several young married couples from our church had decided to rent a condo in Sunriver for the weekend.  Excited about the upcoming events, we packed early Friday evening, picked up another couple and then headed out.  We arrived late that evening, spent time socializing with the others, and knowing we had a full agenda planned for the next day, we finally, after midnight, retired to our rooms.
Sleep eluded me; I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, I was so restless.  Finally, exhausted, I was overcome by sleep..
The next thing I heard was a faint ringing sound, ring, ring, ring.  I could hear a telephone. Who would be calling this early?  Then I heard a knocking sound, someone was knocking at our door, knock, knock, knock.  Kris, still half asleep, stumbled out of bed to answer the door. Mumbling, then silence, a deafening silence.
I felt in my heart that something was terribly wrong.  I didn't recall giving our number here to anyone.  Why would they need to speak to Kris?  I heard footsteps approach just outside the door, and then it opened.  When I saw him I knew. Yes indeed, something horrible had happened.  Shoulders slumped, fresh tears in his eyes. Kris leaned down and spoke to me with a sense of urgency.  "Laura, you need to get up, get out of bed, get dressed, and pack up, so we can go home."        
 "What do you mean, what happened?  I asked.  With an even greater sense of urgency and foreboding, more insistent than before, he repeated his words.
 "Laura, you need to get up, get out of bed, get dressed and pack, so we can go home."
By now, I was wide awake, not quite understanding. Hysterical; tears began streaming down my face and I pleaded with Kris to tell me what had happened.  I think, he somehow hoped, that if he didn't tell me right then, I would blindly go with him. He knew better.
With a sad heart, he spoke the words, "Laura, listen to me."  I looked into his eyes filled with intensity and saw undeniable pain, and misery.  For a brief moment I felt his pain, knowing that if he could be anywhere else but here, right now, he would.  Only, he couldn't.  He would have to be the one to deliver the heartbreaking news which would devastate the woman he loved.  I attempted to brace myself for what was to come.
"Laura, your dad had a massive heart attack last night and died."  Just like that, the words were out.  "Oh God, oh God, no Kris, no.  You must have heard it wrong, it can't be true."  He continued with tears in his eyes, " they did everything they could to resuscitate him, but they couldn't bring him back.  Laura, honey, I am so sorry."
The full impact of his words penetrated my soul; for a second I couldn't speak.  I felt the acrid taste of bile rising up in my throat and for a moment I couldn't breathe.  The emotional pain was unbearable, excruciating.  Then, from somewhere deep within the recesses of my being, came the most horrifying, gut wrenching, anguished sound imaginable.  It was a cry of such deep utter misery and despair,  filled with the feeling the world would never be right again.
Kris sat down next to me on the bed, tenderly holding me in his arms, for as long as I needed. A continuous fountain of tears drenched me and him, as I sobbed, and sobbed.
Finally, by some miracle, I was able to move. Over and over, in a trance like state, I kept repeating the words, “My daddy’s dead, my daddy’s dead, my daddy’s dead, my daddy’s dead.”  It’s as if, somehow, by saying it continually, my father's death would become more real, more believable, to me.  Still in a state of shock, step by step, I moved forward.  Kris, in emergency mode, quickly packed our bags, while I went to the bathroom, got dressed, gagged on a bite of tasteless eggs, and choked down my daily medication.  Then, before we left, the couples gathered around us, gave their condolences, and prayed.  As I look back to that day, I couldn't think of a better place to have heard such difficult news.  Despite my grief, I felt unconditional love, and incredibly blessed.
With tears that never seemed to end, tucked safely in our car, protected from the stormy elements outside, we began the long drive home.  Several miles into our trip, Kris, overcome with emotion, blinded by his own tears, pulled over to the side of the road.  There we were, just the two of us, cradled in each others arms, both of us sobbing, grieving the loss of someone we loved so dearly.  Each the others life support, I believed that if I were to let go, I would cease to breathe.  Outside, a howling wind and the torrential downpour seemed to reflect the internal emotions going on inside of us.  It's as if God Himself were there with us, crying tears of empathy, feeling our immense sorrow and overwhelming pain.  After awhile, reassured, and feeling safe to let go of one another, we continued on our way.  I spent the remainder of our drive, thinking about my dad, reflecting on his life. Many questions loomed in my head regarding my dads death, why, when, and how could this happen.  He was in the prime of life. By all accounts, my dad seemed healthy; he ate well and exercised often with so much more life to live, to give. He was sixty-four years young for goodness sakes. I remembered a card, placed lovingly on the front of the fridge in my parents’ home when they celebrated thirty-five years of marriage, my dad bought my mom roses. The card insert read, “Looking forward to the next thirty-five years, all my love, Nitch.” Nitchie was a term of endearment my parents called one another, meant solely for them. How could this have happened? Why did he die? It wasn’t fair. My parents, devoted to one another, were supposed to be together for another thirty-five years.
Just the night before, we had seen him, his jovial self, with laughter in his eyes; he had just finished cleaning out his car.  Then, with a giving spirit that never seemed to end, he gladly handed Kris the car keys, saying, "Have a great weekend you two, I love you. We’ll see you on Sunday."
Earlier that day, he had taken a run, evidenced by how he was dressed, pale yellow shorts, white ribbed tank top, streaked with sweat, and wearing his worn out running shoes.  He reeked of body odor, but that didn't deter me from giving him a hug, and telling him that I loved him.  How was I to know that hug would be our last and final goodbye?  Oh, how I wished I could go back to that moment, yet this time, when I hugged him, never let go.  But I couldn't, and that's what upset me most of all.  An indescribable sadness came over me. Again, the tears flowed endlessly down my face.  My heart ached for him, for a future that wouldn’t include him.  I had found a way to cope with my daily physical pain, but this, this emotional pain, was indescribable, unbearable.
Then from somewhere within, I heard a still small voice, a soft whisper.  "My daughter, I lavish my love on you, especially during this time of sadness and heartache.  Your father has come home. Now, I will take care of him, and even though the way seems dark, cold, and hopeless right now, you will once again experience the light, joy, peace, and hope I have for you. I promise to carry you through this trying time.”
 An immense peace came over me. Somehow, I knew that I would be okay, I would make it through. As if by cue, outside my window, I saw the most beautiful, vibrant rainbow, this sign from the Lord, reminded me in vivid colors, that yes, indeed, He would be there for me, making good on his promise.
So much has occurred in our lives since that tragic day and now rarely a day goes by that I don’t think of him at least once. There are days when I think of him and am filled with an inexplicable joy; I smile a lot, knowing he is safe in the arms of my heavenly Father. Other days, my joy turns to mourning. I cry tears of sadness, longing for his earthly presence, wishing he was here to see and play with his beautiful grandchildren.
His life was so amazing; he was a bright light to all who knew him. Although his earthly light has been extinguished, his heavenly light shines brightly in our hearts, in the smiles of his grandchildren, and in the incredible legacy he’s left behind.  My mother shared with me something the other day that I thought profound.
She said, “You never get over losing someone you love, it just becomes a part of who you are.”  My father is very much a part of who I am, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Love, your "Softie Pink Cheeks" ( Love letter I wrote and then read at my Dad's funeral)

November 8, 2008         
Dear Dad,
Who could have possibly imagined you’d be taken from us so soon?  So full of life, your contagious laughter and your ever-present smile will forever remain etched in our hearts.  Although the pain seems unbearable and the tears seem unending, we know that God has a greater plan.  Given time, the pain will slowly begin to lessen, and the light will begin to shine through the darkness once again.  Dad, thank you for your life, for sharing it with all of us.  We celebrate the man you were and the incredible legacy you’ve left behind.
My Dad personified love; he spread enthusiasm and exuded optimism everywhere he went.  His love for people was evident by the obvious passion he had for them.  He left an indelible imprint on their minds and hearts.
Everyone was drawn by the man you were, and every gathering was enhanced by your presence.  Thank you for being a Godly example, a loving husband, a faithful friend, a second father to many people, a mentor, a respected pillar of the community, a family man, who was so proud of his children, that he would have given them the moon if they asked for is.  He gave with his whole heart.
Dad, you saw the world through a child’s eyes; everything was exciting and new.  I remember the times when we had tickle sessions with all the kids, and you fondly called us your “chilli-bums.”  And the ways your eyes would light up when giving gifts and receiving them.  I’ll miss your laughter, jokes, and whistling resounding throughout the house.  I’ll miss the closeness we had, the long walks we took together, and how we would swim at the pool down the street.  You were like a kid in a candy store whenever sweets were mentioned or were around.  You will never know how much it has meant to me that you were so involved in the Arthritis Foundation, working so hard on our behalf to find a cure for my disease.
Always a kid at heart, I know how much you wanted to be a grandpa and how much you looked forward to holding your first grandchild.  I’m sorry you won’t get the chance here on earth, but we know you will be with us is spirit and smiling down upon us from Heaven.
I’ll miss hearing you play the piano, sitting beside you and singing together.  In fact, I bet you’re playing piano with the angels right now!

I love you and will always be your softie-pink-cheeks!  I look forward to the day we can run side by side in Heaven.  I love you, Dad!
Laura



Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Because of You, Lord


Because of You

Because of You, Lord
I see hope, in an oppressive, ever darkening world
Because of You,
I see beauty, among the ashes of despair
Because of You,
I have faith to move the mountains
Because of You,
I wake up each morning, feeling blessed and thankful to be alive
Because of You,
I know eternity is so close, I can touch it
Because of You,
I can face each challenge, with a renewed strength and resilience
Because of You,
I know the power of forgiveness, and what that brings
Because of You,
I strive to be more Christ like everyday
Because of You,
I can be joyful in the midst of my suffering, knowing, that it ultimately brings me closer to you
Because of You,
I celebrate purity and innocence, rather than impurity and guilt
Because of You,
I have a hiding place, a shelter from the storms of everyday life
Because of You,
I have been forgiven, and cleansed by Your only Son’s blood
Because of You,
I choose to focus on the eternal, storing treasures up in heaven, not on the external, earthly gratifications
Because of You,
I find joy in the simple pleasures of life, glorious sunsets, the smiles on my boys’ faces, and the beauty of the oceans’ grandeur
Because of You,
I have been given an amazing gift, a family to love and cherish
Because of You,
I read bible stories and sing praise songs with my children, hoping they will grow up, loving and revering You
Because of You,
I am grateful, thankful and abundantly blessed
Because of You,
I am unconditionally loved, now, and for all eternity
Because of You